Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Shame on Georgia!

First off, I needed to take a little break. The full weight of being alone after 2 years of constant companionship hit me, so I stepped back from a great deal of my obligations. I needed to breath and actually re-asses where I am and where I need to go. It's been hard, but life marches on, and so I find myself back in the fight, swinging as best I can. So I'm sorry that I disappeared for a while, but it needed to happen, otherwise I may very well might've gone crazy. Now I find myself fighting off a cold, two weeks before I need to go compete for some debate teams I belong to. Ah well, such is life.

But as some of you may know, I am a Freemason. I adore the Fraternity, and I have near maniacal devotion to it because it saved me from myself. But that's not the point of today's post. Today's post is about the bigotry and nonsense coming from the Grand Lodges of Georgia and Tennessee. Now, to preface, in the U.S., there are 50 some odd Grand Lodges (State-wide governing bodies), and each one is autonomous and able to make it's own decisions. With that being said, let's jump in.

Freemasonry is supposed to take good men and make them better through philosophical studies, and, for the most part, it does. I've met so many remarkable men through my involvement; I can unequivocally say that I have become a better person because of the lessons I have learned. However, there seems to be those in other Grand Jurisdictions who think that being gay is akin to being a serial rapist or murderer, because they have banned outright the membership of gay men.

Ok, I concede that is a little unfair. However, the salient point is that they think that gay men are morally bankrupt, sexually devious individuals that cannot be trusted. Now I, admittedly, don't really pay attention to such claims anymore, mainly because I know that I am more moral then those people in Georgia and Tennessee because I forgive them for their ignorance. But that doesn't mean I'm going to sit idly by and watch them ban gay men from pursuing light.

And that's what I wished that they realized. We're supposed to be enlightened individuals. Not individuals who use a centuries old Fraternity as a glorified dinner club or as a means of peddling their specific religious beliefs. To be frank, I somewhat admire them for sticking up for their beliefs, but at the same time, I am angry and full of contempt that they think that being gay is grounds for banning men from joining. The actions of the Grand Lodge of Tennessee and Georgia, honestly, demonstrate to me that these are men who are Masons in name only.

This means that they are not true Freemasons. They enjoy having their dues card, going to business meetings, performing ritual work, etc. They do not enjoy viewing all men as being equal. They have hijacked the world's oldest, largest, and most esteemed Fraternity to be a show horse for Christian beliefs.

Now, before you get your panties in a bind, I have no problem with Christianity. But in Freemasonry, there is no central religion. There is no one definition or right answer as to what god is, and we are not even allowed to discuss religious matters in Lodge. That being said, Georgia and Tennessee have forgotten this, and I wish that those who are behind these invidious policies would simply leave. I wish them no ill-will, but they have, as I have said, hijacked my beloved Fraternity to meet their own ends.

So to any gay Freemasons in those Grand Jurisdictions, please don't leave. Make like the Dixie Dems after the Civil War. Move into positions of power, and change things. Don't leave. And, as trite as it is, be the change you want to see. We cannot survive this storm unless those who are targeted by this legislation move upward and not out. But, I've got to jet. Stay humble, don't stumble, and I'll talk to you again soon.

Friday, October 7, 2016

Going on the Pill

I try to be very open and honest about my struggles with mental health issues. I'm a high functioning depressive with social anxiety, and far too often I find that the stigma keeps far too many people quiet, particularly in the LGBT Community. If I'm having a bad day, I try to tell my boss that it's hard for me to be at work, or if I'm suffering from a really bad episode, I will lay in bed for hours on end. Before I started dating my ex, I was taking antidepressants, and I admit that I actually started to enjoy life again. However, as time progressed, my ex expressed a certain discomfort with antidepressants and also that he (eventually) wanted me to stop taking them.

So I did. For better or worse, over the last two-ish years, I've been managing my depression as best I can without medication. Being with my ex certainly helped, because he was very attentive when I was having a black day. But now that I'm back on my own, it's become very nearly unmanageable (no need to worry, I'm surrounded by people who are aware and who care very deeply). So I'm going to my doctor today to go back on the pill. I don't know why, but I actually really hate myself for doing it. I know that it's hypocritical of me to feel this way, especially when I've told fellow depressives that going on antidepressants is a good thing and can really help, and they truly can. So why am I struggling with this so much?

Well, I'm sure part of it has to do with social conditioning. Another part of it has to do with my upbringing, and the final part has to do with the fact that I don't want to ingest a chemical just to feel 'normal'. It's a bit ironic really. I know that, just like my grief, this depression is just the result of chemical cocktails and reactions in my brain. My brain isn't producing enough seratonin, and that is, mechanically, what my depression is. Like I said, everything I am feeling as I process this break up are just chemical reactions in my brain, and opting to not take a small pill to counteract and correct one of the symptoms is just plain foolish.

But that's the thing of it, isn't it? That's how strong the social conditioning can be, that I would play with fire, essentially, just to avoid the stigma of being on antidepressants. I hate telling people that I'm clinically depressed, because then they treat me like a little bird with a broken wing. Bitch, I am not a delicate little flower. Don't treat me differently just because my brain literally tries to kill me on occasion. For that matter, don't treat anyone with mental illness differently. But it's important to be open about it and to educate people that mental illness isn't a defining characteristic of someone's personality.

It's uncomfortable and I hate doing it, but we can't be quiet about it anymore, particularly when we have young men and women killing themselves. LGBT men and women are at a significantly higher risk of major depression and suicide due to their sexual identity than our heterosexual counterparts. And that's what truly sucks about being gay. When you're in the closet, you're depressed. When you come out, you feel better, but if you live in an uber conservative area like me, you have to deal with homophobia and ignorance on a daily basis. So, as much as I hate to say it, sometimes, it doesn't get better. Sometimes, you just have to keep fighting even when the sea seems so big and your boat so small.

But the potential for things to get better automatically ends if you off yourself. So, brothers and sisters, don't stop fighting. Go talk to your doctor, find a mental health professional (which is a lot cheaper for my French readers, ;-). Find a good friend who won't treat you like a wounded bird. I've got to jet, but stay humble, don't stumble, and I'll see you next time.



If you or someone you know is suffering from a major depressive episode and is considering suicide, please call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Stay strong, you can make it.