Monday, July 21, 2014

Car Problems and Relationship Swings

This weekend had it's highs and lows. And not normal highs and lows, more like Everest and Death Valley highs and lows. Don't get me wrong, I understand that this is part of life, but for once I would like to just have a quiet weekend, at home, where my phone isn't constantly going off from campaign and work calls. I got to walk in a parade with a congressional candidate, which is cool, but I have not been able to enjoy the beautiful days we've been having where I live, which has not helped my mood at all. To add to this, my boyfriend has challenged me to go a week without taking my anti-depressants. Ordinarily this would be a horrible idea, but if you challenge me to do something, I am damn well going to do it.
So today is the first day I have gone in four months without Sertraline, which is a generic for Zoloft, and I am already experiencing the withdrawals. I feel the anxiety that you feel when you fall constantly, and I am struggling not to revert to self-mutilation.So I'm not sure if this is really the best course of action, however I always overcome my challenges.

Saturday, July 19, 2014

I Have No Idea What I'm Doing

To most people, it seems like I have my life put nicely together. And I am proud to say they're right. My life is down to a perfect hum at this point. I have an awesome boyfriend, I work on a congressional campaign, I have a good job, I'm in school full time, and I'm a leading member in my fraternity. What people don't know is that nine times out of ten, I'm just playing it by ear. I used to have long term goals, like the 5 year plan, but as any adult knows, such plans rarely survive contact with the enemy. So instead of trying to plan my life out, I allowed myself to enjoy the smaller moments, and base major decisions off of minor facts.

But this comes with its drawbacks. I am doing all of that stuff on a daily basis, and I am weary and well nigh wore out. Plus, due to certain psychiatric anomalies, I don't pick up on social cues that are normal to everyone else. It makes for a riotous good time when I'm trying to discern what is going on in my boyfriend's head. Perhaps that is just the result of growing up in a freakishly tight-knit family.

Friday, July 18, 2014


So you now know I was homeschooled. What a life that was. I started to understand that I was different from my brother and my posse (Yes. Posse) at church at a fairly young age. I finally came to terms with the fact that I am gay about three years ago. This was not easy for several reasons. I grew up in a religious household, I had strong convictions about god, and it did legitimately seem like an abomination. Regardless, I came to terms with it, and now I have a moderately content life. I still get stuck in my own head about it, and the numerous facets of being the black sheep of my family.

I have been single for five years. Mostly because my first relationship failed spectacularly. We got into a contest to see who would be the bigger ass, and I won. So I swore off any sort of intimacy, mostly because she went after the size of my wedding tackle. So I have, since then, been overwhelmingly self conscious about my dinky winky. Anyway, I just got into a relationship with a guy for the first time in my life, and unbeknownst to him, the blackness from the depths of my mind was already engulfing me. Fortunately I was able to talk it out, and things seem to be progressing nicely.

Thursday, July 17, 2014


What a whirlwind the last two years have been. I went from managing a law firm to being an administrative assistant to some little sycophant who was born without a spine. Don't misunderstand me, I'm glad to have a job, but having to pander to someone that is not qualified to hold any substantive position is the ultimate in degradation. But, regardless, I enjoy the job as it allows me to mentally check out over the course of the work day. Unfortunately, regardless of how much I enjoy exploring the outer reaches of my mind, it comes with it's own dangers.
I was homeschooled, so growing up in a very tightly knit family was incredibly nice. I used to watch the school kids go home, and wonder what it was like to be 'normal'. However, as I grew up, I realized that I had a unique opportunity to observe common social interactions objectively. It made me a little bit of a freak when I started in College, but we all have our crosses to bear.