How to Not Mistreat Your Introvert (Pt. 1)

Being an introvert in today's noisy world sucks. I am a painfully introverted person, large gatherings make me severely uncomfortable, and dealing with strangers... well... let's just say I'd rather shit in my hands and clap than do that. And don't even ask me to answer my phone. So, in no uncertain am I an introvert. I have a close circle of friends, maybe 3 or 4 people that I talk to about my problems, their problems, life, philosophy, etc., but I'll be damned if I meet some random schmo at a party, and immediately start calling them my friend. I personally think that the word 'friend' is severely abused in this day and age. In my mind, a friend is someone who is there no matter what, and who's opinion you value above all others. It's also someone with whom you share such a deep connection with, that time and distance really don't have an effect on the friendship. For example, my best friend moved to Georgia a few years ago, and we haven't talked in a good, long while. I miss her terribly, but I know that when we reconnect, it'll be like we never even parted ways. But what about romantic relationships between an extrovert and an introvert?

Well, having been in a relationship with an extrovert for the last two years, I consider myself a bit of an expert on that topic. The first thing, that shouldn't even need to be mentioned, is that it's ungodly. Obviously extroverts and introverts are completely different creatures. Whereas, I don't enjoy spending time with a lot of people, even if I do know them, and he does. I enjoy a quiet drink at home with two or three people, and he loves to go out and mingle at the bar. I enjoy reading books or browsing the news on my phone, while he enjoys watching a ton of TV. I'm not castigating him or trying to make it seem like he's filled with a longing to pursue the banalities of life, but he enjoys pursuits that bring him into contact with many many different people. That's totally fine. Except I get coerced into attending any number of silly parties, rife with drinking and empty chatter.

Have you ever just been so world-weary that it makes you nauseated? That's how those parties make me feel. I don't relish talking about how hammered they got that one time, and like, oh my god it was just wild and crazy! So that would be the first step. There needs to be balance. If you are dating an introvert, it's terribly easy to just steamroll them unintentionally, and drag them into all sorts of highly social situations that will make them (the introverts) deeply uncomfortable. I will temper that by saying it goes both ways. Introverts also need to stand up for themselves and not get railroaded into things they don't want to do. I know, I know, there needs to be balance and other such nonsense, but in my experience, my introverted comrades don't stand up for themselves.

Generally speaking, I think the world is a better place when it's run by introverts. We hesitate to speak until our ideas are perfect, and we're not prone to rash decisions. This, again, isn't meant to castigate extroverts, but I do think that they are flippant people who generally don't think things through all the way. Anywho, to the thrust of it! Speaking as an introvert, it's super easy to get steam rolled by my extrovert. For example, he might ask me what I want for dinner, and I tell him. We have a little tiff, but then we kiss and make up. No biggie, right?

WRONG! Minor disagreements, insults, joking around, etc. stays with me for days. I process and analyze, and then decide how I feel. Granted, I'm just one introvert, but I'm guessing I'm not the only one who, after an argument is "resolved" still has more to say on the matter, even though the extrovert has moved on, and is thinking about whatever extroverts think about. My situation is, admittedly, somewhat unique, because of my Myers-Briggs designation (Myers-Briggs is a personality test that will categorize your personality into one of 16 different types. I am an INTJ, one of the rarest, most analytical and logical types). During an argument, I tend towards the hyper-logical, divorcing all emotion from the situation. I realize this isn't the best way to handle emotionally charged situations (it's something I'm working on. I'm an imperfect person), notwithstanding, it's important for an extrovert to realize that what they say will have long lasting consequences. Take time to make sure that your introvert has said everything that they need to. I've got to jet, but be humble, don't stumble, and I'll see you again soon!

The 'Perfect' Gay Relationship

I, as a gay man, don't like to admit to the world that our community is the same, in many regards, as the rest of society. We don't seem to have problems with self image (HA! That's been well addressed by other blogs and websites, so I won't comment on it), education, jobs, relationships, etc. Because our lovely, glittering little section of society was tossed into the gutter and held there for decades, we began to learn how to put on a facade so that the world's perception of our community would be what we wanted it to be. That's totally fine, I understand that if you have a President in the White House who restricts funding for HIV/AIDS research, we want to hold our heads up high and continue to dance while we wait for leadership that understands and appreciates us. Or going back earlier, if a friend got beaten by a mob, we were required to have a stiff upper lip and not let the world see us bleed. I understand the context of our stoicism, and what caused it. I certainly still have a hard time talking to my parents about my relationship and its problems, or talking to any member of my family, really, about being gay and what that means in America today. I'm not trying to castigate them or say that they're terrible people, because they're not. I just know how hard it can be to let the majority of society see our flaws. Our community has been villanized for so long that I think it's become ingrained into our collective mindset that we are somehow less than the rest of society. But why are we still doing it? It has gotten to the point, I believe, that we are starting to turn on ourselves, simply as a means of maintaining conformity in a nonconformist community, and I daresay that individuality is starkly frowned upon. If a gay man isn't ripped, perfectly tanned, and enjoys going out and drinking every weekend, then they are a less desirable mate.

Admittedly, an attraction to muscles makes sense. Who wouldn't want to run their hands all over Channing Tatum or Tom Daley? It's an evolutionary byproduct. We want the fittest mate possible in order to better protect and provide for our family group. (That is just conjecture at my part, and I say it because it makes sense. I have no scientific evidence to corroborate that position.) But the point still stands. Muscled men are hot. I think they're hot, my boyfriend thinks they're hot, every gay man thinks they're hot, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I would even go a step further to contend that objectifying people isn't wrong, but that's a topic for another day, as is body positivity. The fact remains though, that we have a very carefully crafted image that we send out into the world. That we live in the world of beautiful men, where the day is full of lounging by the pool, and the nights are full of raucous partying with beautiful people. Drag queens who are more beautiful than any woman strut around, and alcohol flows in abundance. Nothing ever goes wrong. No single substantive thought will be heard, and everyone can relax in vapid, stupid emptiness. Why? Why don't we attack the large issues of the day? Or, hell, even start to look at other issues that plague society at large to see how they affect us, and indeed, if it's a problem in our community? Take for example, domestic violence. Nobody wants to talk about this, even in straight society. It's a nasty, icky topic. Nobody likes to think of their sister, mother, or daughter getting beaten or harmed emotionally by some prick they thought was a nice guy. But it's a reality that needs to be dealt with. In my home State, 1 in 3 women will experience domestic violence, and 1 in 4 men will experience domestic violence. I wonder what would happen if we turned our focus to issues like that, what we'd find.

But wait! We're men! Men don't experience domestic violence. If they do, then they're cowardly and weak, or they're just lying. If you have ever said that, or secretly hold that mentality, then you, sir/ma'am, need cognitive re-calibration. My brother experienced domestic violence at the hands of his ex wife, and he is a big bear of a man. Did he defend himself? Absolutely not, because we were raised never to raise a hand to a woman. Ok, stepping back from being passionate, the fact remains that we, as gay men, can experience DV at the hands of our lovers, boyfriends, and spouses (it's still really cool to me that I can say that now). I'm not going to go over the list of resources that are available to you if you experience DV, because I'm confident that if you are in a violent relationship, you have the necessary mental capacity to get out when you're ready. But that's the thing of it, isn't it? We don't want to shatter the illusion of our perfect little society. I suppose that people in straight relationships go through largely the same thought process in some form or another, but gay men are particularly prone to that. We must have the perfect clothes, the perfect car, the perfect home, the perfect fucking everything, including our relationships. But what if your boyfriend is a colossal dick that beats you or can shatter your self confidence with a few words? What then? Go and cry on the shoulder of a friend until you feel drawn back to the abuser? Probably. It may seem like I'm trivializing the process a little bit, and I may be, however, it's part of the cycle of violence. What I hope I am conveying is that I am sick to tears of not hearing about the real issues facing our community. I know, I know, transgender people can't pee in South Carolina, and religious liberty laws are getting passed around the Country. But these nitty gritty issues are what we need to face down. We can't keep teaching the baby gays (those who have just come out or are growing into maturity) that it's ok to have flaws, as long as we don't see/hear/speak about them. Yes, getting beaten by a stranger after leaving a gay bar is horrible. But getting beaten by a lover is worse. It's a betrayal, not only by the abuser, but also by the whole of our community. 

The baby gays and mature gays hide their flaws (HYPOCRISY ALERT: I try to hide my flaws, like how skinny I am, or that I am a major introvert, or that I enjoy the kink lifestyle.) and it can be deadly. But we don't hear about it. 1 in 4 men will experience domestic violence, regardless of sexual orientation. It floored me when I found that last year, only two men checked into the shelter for which I work. Two. 49 women checked in. There seems to be a slight... disparity. The reason is that men are supposed to be tough, hyper-masculine creatures that can defend themselves and never have to talk about their emotions, but that's beside the point. We must start talking about this and studying what is really going on, because these men that are getting abused are our fathers, brothers, sons, and friends. Our community has faced enough from society, and we must deal with this internal threat. 

If you or someone you know is stuck in an abusive relationship, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, or visit the NDVH's website. 

Well, that's all for today. Be humble, don't stumble, and I'll look forward to seeing you again soon.

Car Problems and Relationship Swings

This weekend had it's highs and lows. And not normal highs and lows, more like Everest and Death Valley highs and lows. Don't get me wrong, I understand that this is part of life, but for once I would like to just have a quiet weekend, at home, where my phone isn't constantly going off from campaign and work calls. I got to walk in a parade with a congressional candidate, which is cool, but I have not been able to enjoy the beautiful days we've been having where I live, which has not helped my mood at all. To add to this, my boyfriend has challenged me to go a week without taking my anti-depressants. Ordinarily this would be a horrible idea, but if you challenge me to do something, I am damn well going to do it.
So today is the first day I have gone in four months without Sertraline, which is a generic for Zoloft, and I am already experiencing the withdrawals. I feel the anxiety that you feel when you fall constantly, and I am struggling not to revert to self-mutilation.So I'm not sure if this is really the best course of action, however I always overcome my challenges.