Wednesday, November 30, 2016

I'm a homophobe

I've struggled to write this post, frankly. I didn't really want to discuss this openly, however the secret to a good blog is sharing everything. Now, I have already told you that I come from a conservative family. I was home schooled using a religious curriculum from a deeply religious academy. I grew up in a Protestant faith, and I was deeply immersed in the Church up until I was about 19 (ironically the age I also came out at). I'll briefly tell my coming out story just for context.

I knew from a very young age that I wasn't quite like other girls, but I pushed it down until I couldn't deny it any longer. I knew that I needed to come out and live authentically, otherwise I wouldn't be able to keep muscling through my depressive episodes. So, I came out to my parents. They flat out denied it, because I tried to come out as bisexual, and so they just didn't comprehend it (I think).

So, with that brief over view, I'd like to make an important concession. I am a homophobe. Not in the traditional sense, where I want to tie young men to fence posts and beat them to death, but rather in the sense that I hate and fear myself. Having spent so much time hearing about the evil homos and their evil agenda, it became a part of me, hating them (and now myself). I do not hold any grudges against my parents for the way they chose to raise me, nor do I hold any grudges against those who decided they didn't want to be friends with a homo after I came out.

But the fact remains that I still hate myself for having these attractions. I hate that I want to have a life-long, committed relationship to a man. I hate that I even find men attractive. Would I become straight if I could? Absolutely not. I've worked too damn long and too damn hard to get this far to just give up. But the fact remains, I know my mom is disappointed and thinks that with enough prayer I can change (I don't think she thinks its a choice anymore, so I won't offer conjecture on that). I know that certain members of my family would rather have a straight brother.

But what I truly wish is that they could feel what I feel, think what I think, and go through what I've been through. A part of me still thinks that I am still some unnatural thing and that same part wants to kill me, because I'm tired of being a disappointment to my family.

But that's why I am striving to stop being a disappointment to myself. Because it's not unnatural. Homosexuality is ubiquitous throughout all of nature. It's not a sin, because socio-economic pressures dictated that men and women procreate as much as possible, and men boning men prevented that. There is nothing sinful or immoral about it, and I sincerely hope that someday, I actually believe what I just wrote. I've got to jet. Stay humble, don't stumble, and I'll see you again soon.

Wednesday, November 23, 2016

The Void (Pt. 3 of Letters to My Ex)

This is the third and final installment of the Letters to My Ex series. I started to post these letters as a type of catharsis, and it's been working. Because I don't want to turn this blog into a memorial to the relationship, I will make this the last letter.

It's been a month since we've been apart, and the nights still seem terribly long without you. I know that you're probably having the time of your life, getting back out, and meeting new people like you love to do, and that brings me happiness and pain in equal measure. I wish desperately that I was at your side, doing those things, but I know now that you and I were just too different to make it.

So I am going to be happy for you. I'm going to be happy that you are now able to go out and be a social butterfly. I'm going to be happy that you will be able to pursue your dreams and wants, even if it's without me. I'm going to be happy that you can... be you. And I want you to be. I tried to "fix" something that wasn't broken, and you resented me for it, and rightly so. But now we're free of each other, and even though it's painful, I'm glad for it.

My therapist told me that I am in love with things that could be, that I adore potentiality, and that I'm constantly running. My entire existence is focused around the concept of, "To be is to do.", and I tried to bring that to our relationship. I tried to accomplish it, just like I try to accomplish everything else. And that's wrong. Apparently I still have a lot to work on, and I'm sorry that I didn't have the fortitude to realize that sooner and break it off. I miss you, but I'm glad that you're happy again. I hope to someday see you again, but until then, I hope that you're life is spectacular.

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

Remorse (Pt. 2 of Letters to My Ex)

As part of an ongoing effort for recovery, I'm publishing a series of letters I wrote to my ex during the immediate aftermath of the break up to today. Here is part two.

It's been three weeks now since we parted ways. I don't sleep well anymore, and the bed feels so big and empty without you beside me. But I've been wanting to hate you lately. I've been wanting to think that you're the worst person in the world, and I want to put you on the same level and Delores Umbridge. But I can't. I refuse to stoop to that level. We're both good people, just not good people for each other, and so as painful as this is and probably will continue to be, I know that this is for the best.

We had our ups and downs, but I think we finally got into a contest to see who could be the biggest douche bag... and I think I won. I desperately wish that we could roll back time so we could avoid saying such horrible things to each other. Where did we go wrong? What happened? We used to stay up, talking and laughing, but somewhere in there, the laughter died, and it became a chore for us to be around each other. I want to pinpoint that moment, but what good is it now? Distance is adding perspective, and I'm starting to realize how much we changed for each other, but I think it was change for the wrong reasons.

The night you broke up with me, you said that it was a miracle that we lasted over two years because we are such different people. I don't want to admit it. I want to cling to the rose-tinted view that love conquers all, but I know in my heart that that isn't right. You enjoy being an eternal socialite, and I get really anxious and uncomfortable in large groups. You're a video game lover, and I'd prefer to let me imagination run wild while I stare off into space. You want children and a family, and I want a career. It burns my heart to think this, but I'm starting to realize that you did the right thing for both of us, and you are the stronger between us. I was willing to keep subjecting us to the war of attrition that our relationship became, while you knew that it was wrong.

But why do I still want you? I know that you don't want me anymore, and that's ok. You need to do what's best for you now, just as I do. But I don't want to. I want to fight and make amends for everything. But I know in my heart of hearts that I need to accept this and move on. You can find someone who will make you happier than I ever could because they'll be able to hear the song that your soul sings.

You know, I've heard people bandy about the word 'remorse', but they don't have the slightest idea of what remorse feels like. It feels like rolling a boulder up a hill perpetually. It feels like all the joy has been sucked out of the world, it feels like the burning brilliance of the sun, laying bare the cold, hard truth. I miss you, and I hope that you'll find happiness.

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Letters to My Ex Pt. 1

As part of my coping with the loss of my friend and lover, I'm going to publish a bunch of un-sent emails and letters. Here's the first.

I really hope you're doing well, and that you're happy. I miss you, more than usual today. It feels as though my heart has been ripped out, and I can barely breath. I miss Sunday mornings and late Fridays with you. I miss seeing you when I come home, and going on walks with you and Oscar. I miss the way you encouraged me when I was having a hard time with school, and I miss the way you would smile and laugh. 

Most of all, I just miss you, with your unpredictability, craziness, kindness, and occasional ass hole-ishness. You were my rock, and I will forever live with the regret that I was a fool and didn't see it. I am so, so sorry that I didn't see it before this, and I am so so sorry that I caused you to be so depressed during our relationship. I... just really fucking miss you. You're getting back to being the person that I fell in love with, and that makes it so much harder, because I didn't realize how much I was changing you, and now I think of you staying up till all hours, drinking, laughing, and having a good time, and that is who I fell in love with. 

If I could rewind time, I would. But I have to live with this now. I hope that we can someday be friends, but I know that we weren't good for each other, and we did our level best to destroy one another. I can't romanticize our relationship and forget the bad that happened, but I hope that you will someday find someone who hears your song. I do still love you very deeply.