Wednesday, November 16, 2016

Remorse (Pt. 2 of Letters to My Ex)

As part of an ongoing effort for recovery, I'm publishing a series of letters I wrote to my ex during the immediate aftermath of the break up to today. Here is part two.

It's been three weeks now since we parted ways. I don't sleep well anymore, and the bed feels so big and empty without you beside me. But I've been wanting to hate you lately. I've been wanting to think that you're the worst person in the world, and I want to put you on the same level and Delores Umbridge. But I can't. I refuse to stoop to that level. We're both good people, just not good people for each other, and so as painful as this is and probably will continue to be, I know that this is for the best.

We had our ups and downs, but I think we finally got into a contest to see who could be the biggest douche bag... and I think I won. I desperately wish that we could roll back time so we could avoid saying such horrible things to each other. Where did we go wrong? What happened? We used to stay up, talking and laughing, but somewhere in there, the laughter died, and it became a chore for us to be around each other. I want to pinpoint that moment, but what good is it now? Distance is adding perspective, and I'm starting to realize how much we changed for each other, but I think it was change for the wrong reasons.

The night you broke up with me, you said that it was a miracle that we lasted over two years because we are such different people. I don't want to admit it. I want to cling to the rose-tinted view that love conquers all, but I know in my heart that that isn't right. You enjoy being an eternal socialite, and I get really anxious and uncomfortable in large groups. You're a video game lover, and I'd prefer to let me imagination run wild while I stare off into space. You want children and a family, and I want a career. It burns my heart to think this, but I'm starting to realize that you did the right thing for both of us, and you are the stronger between us. I was willing to keep subjecting us to the war of attrition that our relationship became, while you knew that it was wrong.

But why do I still want you? I know that you don't want me anymore, and that's ok. You need to do what's best for you now, just as I do. But I don't want to. I want to fight and make amends for everything. But I know in my heart of hearts that I need to accept this and move on. You can find someone who will make you happier than I ever could because they'll be able to hear the song that your soul sings.

You know, I've heard people bandy about the word 'remorse', but they don't have the slightest idea of what remorse feels like. It feels like rolling a boulder up a hill perpetually. It feels like all the joy has been sucked out of the world, it feels like the burning brilliance of the sun, laying bare the cold, hard truth. I miss you, and I hope that you'll find happiness.

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