Wednesday, November 30, 2016

I'm a homophobe

I've struggled to write this post, frankly. I didn't really want to discuss this openly, however the secret to a good blog is sharing everything. Now, I have already told you that I come from a conservative family. I was home schooled using a religious curriculum from a deeply religious academy. I grew up in a Protestant faith, and I was deeply immersed in the Church up until I was about 19 (ironically the age I also came out at). I'll briefly tell my coming out story just for context.

I knew from a very young age that I wasn't quite like other girls, but I pushed it down until I couldn't deny it any longer. I knew that I needed to come out and live authentically, otherwise I wouldn't be able to keep muscling through my depressive episodes. So, I came out to my parents. They flat out denied it, because I tried to come out as bisexual, and so they just didn't comprehend it (I think).

So, with that brief over view, I'd like to make an important concession. I am a homophobe. Not in the traditional sense, where I want to tie young men to fence posts and beat them to death, but rather in the sense that I hate and fear myself. Having spent so much time hearing about the evil homos and their evil agenda, it became a part of me, hating them (and now myself). I do not hold any grudges against my parents for the way they chose to raise me, nor do I hold any grudges against those who decided they didn't want to be friends with a homo after I came out.

But the fact remains that I still hate myself for having these attractions. I hate that I want to have a life-long, committed relationship to a man. I hate that I even find men attractive. Would I become straight if I could? Absolutely not. I've worked too damn long and too damn hard to get this far to just give up. But the fact remains, I know my mom is disappointed and thinks that with enough prayer I can change (I don't think she thinks its a choice anymore, so I won't offer conjecture on that). I know that certain members of my family would rather have a straight brother.

But what I truly wish is that they could feel what I feel, think what I think, and go through what I've been through. A part of me still thinks that I am still some unnatural thing and that same part wants to kill me, because I'm tired of being a disappointment to my family.

But that's why I am striving to stop being a disappointment to myself. Because it's not unnatural. Homosexuality is ubiquitous throughout all of nature. It's not a sin, because socio-economic pressures dictated that men and women procreate as much as possible, and men boning men prevented that. There is nothing sinful or immoral about it, and I sincerely hope that someday, I actually believe what I just wrote. I've got to jet. Stay humble, don't stumble, and I'll see you again soon.

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