Wednesday, December 28, 2016

Die 2016. Just Die Already.

**Strong Language Ahead. Reader Discretion is Advised**

I wanted to post something unbearably clever about 2016, since this will be the last post of the year, but really all I can say is, 2016, you're a whore. You're a dirty, crusty whore. From losing jobs to break ups and car accidents, this has been an incredibly fucked up year. Now, I usually pride myself on being resilient, hard times usually don't phase me. But 12 months of utter chaos are taking their toll, and I just want to run away and live on the beaches of Fiji, smoking Himalayan Temple Ball, and watching the sunset over the ocean. But then I remember that I have better things to kill my brain cells with (Like Scotch!) (+500,000 redeeming points because I like Scotch. Scotchy scotchy scotch), and I hate being bored. So without further adieu, let's hit the highlights and low points of the year. I'll keep score and let's see how 2016 does.

I lost my job in January (-500 redeeming points. Also, thanks for that one, former bosses. January is THE BEST time to lose your job). Yea, this caused some stress, but at that point I was starting to look for a new job anyway. Sending people to collections because they haven't handed over a tax credit seems shady at best, and downright illegal at worst. I found out that I was going to be losing the job on or around January 15, so right as the semester was starting. Again, thanks for that. Now, I realize that they had to do what's best for the company, and I understand and accept that. It's totally fine.

Skip ahead to March, and I find an amazing new job in... a town that's 64 miles away(+50 redeeming points)!! So, this one is a blessing and a curse. I love my job(+10), and I love taking a proactive role in helping victims of domestic violence(+1,000). I love my co-workers(+10), and I just love my job. Plus the town it's in is super nifty. Notwithstanding, I have to leave my house by 07:30(minus like five million for this. I hate mornings. But not really. (-500), otherwise I'll be late. Awesome. So because I was settling into a new job, I had to finish the semester without attending class(-500). But I did it through no small amount of effort and the help of an amazing friend(+100).

June was awesome, because Pride (+300). Except that during this glorious weekend, my boyfriend and I got into a fight(-600), which kind of overshadowed the whole thing. But that's fine. Just 2016 doing it's thang. Oh, and Bernie Sanders lost the nomination(-500). To conventional Democrats and those who subscribe to identity politics, I would like to offer you a deep, sincere, and heartfelt fuck you. America has changed more than you know, and you have to throw white folks a bone every once in a while. If you run on a platform for and by the minorities, you will lose the Presid... oh wait. GOOD FUCKING JOB GUYS. *Sigh. OK, let's keep moving.

July-August were pretty unremarkable. Thank god. 2016 has been the kind of year that, when an unremarkable month occurs, you're happy. (+1,000. I feel sick that I had to assign those points. Just for being life, without anything shitty happening. Awesome)

September probably takes the cake. My ex-not boyfriend broke up with me(-1,000,000), I moved (all of this happened in the middle of the semester. -1,000,000). Seriously. Fuck 2016 with a hot pipe. Two major life events in the middle of the god damned semester. Whatever. It's fine. Frankly the break up kind of colored everything till November. I went out and partied a lot, met some amazing new people (+1), discovered that gay men just can't be friends (-40 redeeming qualities), and worked on doing and being my best. I honestly was really happy (+500) because our relationship was toxic and it really exacerbated my depression and his. We're both good people, but at that point, not for each other. Anywho, so partying, drinking, staying out too late continued till I started my competitions. I had three competitions in four weeks, all in different cities in California and Utah. Good times were had (+500).

And now we're in December. I wrecked and totaled my car (+1,000,000. How fucking sad is that that the best thing to happen to me all year is a car accident? Lulz). My semester is done (+500,000), but I find myself in a severe depression (-1,000,000). But it sucks because I'm a high functioning depressive, so yea, I want to lay in bed and cut myself (not in bed. Blood is a pain in the ass to get out of luxurious 500 count Egyptian cotton sheets). But I don't. I get up and drive to work, deal with insurance bullshit, and go home. Nobody knows the crushing darkness I'm in right now, and that sucks.

So, let's tally and see how 2016 fared. Total negatives: -3,002,600. Total Positives: 2,003,421. Year Outcome: -999,179. Verdict: God-awful, not good, very bad year. Sentence: Having to read the tweet from Carrie Fisher's dog after she died every day for the rest of your life. OH YEA! Carrie Fisher died! But what a way to go, she drowned in the moonlight, strangled by her own bra. Tack on another -1,000,000. I grew up with Star Wars. Fuck. You. 2016.

Oh yea. And Trump. But he doesn't even deserve a cursory nod. 

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