Depressed People Suck

Speaking as a high functioning depressive, I can unequivocally say that depressed people suck. Myself in particular. We suck because we don't respond to message, emails, and phone calls for days and sometimes weeks at a time, we turn down invites to parties, claiming that we just have so much to do, but in reality, the thought of going to your house party sounds like the Stations of the Cross. We suck because we got a 97% on an exam, instead of a 99%, and we'll beat ourselves up for hours over it. We suck because our brains are, quite literally, trying to kill us.

But what really gets me is that, as a high functioning depressive, nobody knows what's going on. I don't languish in bed all day or stare out of a window. I work harder, hold myself to even more unattainable goals, and push through. Apart from random fits of crying on the way home from class, there's really no physical manifestation of the funeral in my brain. Coupled with the fact that I'm a major introvert, it makes it even more fun to deal with.

Occasionally, I have the privilege of being regularly depressed, and I become listless and quiet(er) than I usually am. But those are rare. I hate that I hate doing things I love, like moot court, mock trial, ethics bowl, going to business meetings, talking to people, living. But I hate not being able to show it outwardly. Perhaps I'm too stoic, or perhaps I fall back on the trope that I don't want to burden people with my problems.

I can safely say that I am the type of person who would swan dive off of an overpass, and nobody would know why. Am I going to? No. Do I struggle with the urge to eat a bullet for breakfast? Absolutely. However I am surrounded largely by loving people who know and care for me. I have an amazing therapist who helps me, and I know that tomorrow is another day (regardless of how tortuous it is.)

If this upsets you, I do apologize, but I am not sorry. This is the plight that many, many people face on a daily basis, and we need to be honest about it. Many people, particularly in the LGBT+ community, face suicide daily and keep soldiering on. The way it was explained to me once, is that a depressed person is like a soldier, alone in a fox hole, without reinforcements or ammo. But when you find them, they ask you to give them something to keep fighting with, even if it's just a stick. Because we keep fighting. It's what we do. And for those of us who have fought as long and as hard as they can, and give up, you'll find our bodies on a pile of brass if you look hard enough. But we keep fighting.

For me at least, I can say that it has, at some level, made me more insensitive, because if I hadn't been desensitized, then I would be dead. The reason is that I feel things so damn deeply it's insane. The empathy is too strong with me. I remember things vividly and to the point where just the memory of the emotion is overstimulating. For example, I was vacationing in California with my brother, a homeless man with a mental disability asked me for something to eat. He didn't want much, just a dollar hotdog or something to that effect. We went and got him something substantial to eat, and some other food for the next few days and some money as well. He hugged me, and I still worry about him. I worry if he's had enough to eat today, or if some punk ass kids have beaten him with bottles. I don't know. I still remember how sweet and diminutive he was, and how he showed me what gratitude really looked like. I don't want praise or adulation for being a decent person, I want to know that that man is ok, and that he's not suffering.

Academic Trigger Warnings

Goodness me friends, what a week it's been. I'm still a student in University, and the new semester started a couple of weeks ago. I adore school, and perhaps someday I'll get my doctorate just so I can be in Academia the rest of my life. But it struck me, a Philosophy Major, as odd that we must provide trigger warnings and safe spaces in Uni. I understand PTSD and particularly mental illness, but I haven't paid tens of thousands of dollars to not be challenged because such challenges might set someone off.

I for example, have several triggers that can send me into a depressive episode. I won't tell you what they are, though, because I don't want to avoid them. I don't want to shy away from my weaknesses or force others to change how they behave because I might be much too sad for a few days or weeks. Am I really in the minority in this outlook? Are my peers really such delicate little flowers that they can't abide hearing an opinion, however wrong it may be, that they crumble at mere words?

One of my (many, many) mantras is that the devil you know is better than the devil you don't know. I'd rather know that there is a homophobe in my class than have him/her keep quiet. I'd rather know if a politician hates women than if they just keep quiet, all the while passing misogynistic legislation. The reasons are thus. The first is that I will respect that person more for being honest, even if it's something I don't like. Phyllis Schlafly was a horrible person, but I respect her for being honest. The second is, at least I'll know who to watch out for. I'd rather see an attack coming than be KO'd out of nowhere. If I see the guy in class who spouts homophobic slurs walking towards me in a dark alley, while carrying a baseball bat, I'll have a pretty good idea of what his intentions are.

So why are we gay people, at the least, shying away from those who disagree with us, and at the most, silencing them? How does that make us the bigger person? If you're a gay person in Uni, demand to be challenged. Dare to have your mind changed by someone or something else, and above all, welcome those who disagree with you into your inner circles (just make them leave their baseball bats at the door). Yes, I am advocating for a return to a seemingly more brutal culture, and I shall not apologize for it. The LGBT lobby did not accomplish all that it has by being delicate little flowers. I've got to jet. Be humble, don't stumble, and I'll see you next time.

Christian Gays

I have been following, and occasionally responding to a blog called The Happy Alternative, which is run by a friend of mine who is a devout Christian. While I do somewhat admire his dedication to the Faith and his dedication to celibacy as an answer to, as he calls it, SSA (same sex attraction), it got me thinking. Is celibacy an ethical answer to being gay? I realize that when one is arguing with someone who has abandoned reason it is similar to administering medicine to the dead, however, I want to write a more cohesive answer to the position of celibacy, and also to say a few words to anyone who is gay and also a person of faith because, having come from a religious background, I am a student of philosophy and dedicated to true morality and ethics, free from interpretation by religious authorities. That's not to say I don't believe in a god((s)(esses)), but my beliefs are my own. My ethics are not decided by deity, but by reason and mercy. That being said, let's get started!

So, you're gay and a person of faith. How do you reconcile the two? According to my friend at The Happy Alternative, just don't get into a gay relationship, pursue god, and be celibate. That will keep you safe, sanctified and holy, right? Wrong. As the Bible graciously points out, as a man thinks in his heart, so is he (Proverbs 23:7). That basically means you can be guilty of sin, even if you've never known(biblically) another man. If you look lustfully at another man (or woman. I'll be inclusive), that means that in god's eyes, you have just slept with them. Does that really seem viable to you? Does celibacy in that context even makes sense? Again, I say no. If you can be guilty of thought crime, even in your sleep, then that infers that you have just had sex with someone without even touching them.

Let me re-frame the question. Is celibacy, when required by divinity, ethical? Again, I say no. I am generally a sex-positive person, though I don't often post about it. I am also a student of philosophy, and a significant portion of my work has been dedicated to what makes a good life. So superficially, if you're not allowed to have sex, then your happiness (READ contentment) will be significantly diminished. Further, how can a kind, loving god deny his creations the most enriching forms of a personal relationship? Granted, I am an empiricist, and any divine authority is automatically suspect in my book, notwithstanding, anyone who tells you not to pursue a relationship that is loving and edifies both you and your partner is lying. But, I've got to jet. Stay humble, don't stumble, and I'll see you next time.

How to Not Mistreat Your Introvert (Pt. 1)

Being an introvert in today's noisy world sucks. I am a painfully introverted person, large gatherings make me severely uncomfortable, and dealing with strangers... well... let's just say I'd rather shit in my hands and clap than do that. And don't even ask me to answer my phone. So, in no uncertain am I an introvert. I have a close circle of friends, maybe 3 or 4 people that I talk to about my problems, their problems, life, philosophy, etc., but I'll be damned if I meet some random schmo at a party, and immediately start calling them my friend. I personally think that the word 'friend' is severely abused in this day and age. In my mind, a friend is someone who is there no matter what, and who's opinion you value above all others. It's also someone with whom you share such a deep connection with, that time and distance really don't have an effect on the friendship. For example, my best friend moved to Georgia a few years ago, and we haven't talked in a good, long while. I miss her terribly, but I know that when we reconnect, it'll be like we never even parted ways. But what about romantic relationships between an extrovert and an introvert?

Well, having been in a relationship with an extrovert for the last two years, I consider myself a bit of an expert on that topic. The first thing, that shouldn't even need to be mentioned, is that it's ungodly. Obviously extroverts and introverts are completely different creatures. Whereas, I don't enjoy spending time with a lot of people, even if I do know them, and he does. I enjoy a quiet drink at home with two or three people, and he loves to go out and mingle at the bar. I enjoy reading books or browsing the news on my phone, while he enjoys watching a ton of TV. I'm not castigating him or trying to make it seem like he's filled with a longing to pursue the banalities of life, but he enjoys pursuits that bring him into contact with many many different people. That's totally fine. Except I get coerced into attending any number of silly parties, rife with drinking and empty chatter.

Have you ever just been so world-weary that it makes you nauseated? That's how those parties make me feel. I don't relish talking about how hammered they got that one time, and like, oh my god it was just wild and crazy! So that would be the first step. There needs to be balance. If you are dating an introvert, it's terribly easy to just steamroll them unintentionally, and drag them into all sorts of highly social situations that will make them (the introverts) deeply uncomfortable. I will temper that by saying it goes both ways. Introverts also need to stand up for themselves and not get railroaded into things they don't want to do. I know, I know, there needs to be balance and other such nonsense, but in my experience, my introverted comrades don't stand up for themselves.

Generally speaking, I think the world is a better place when it's run by introverts. We hesitate to speak until our ideas are perfect, and we're not prone to rash decisions. This, again, isn't meant to castigate extroverts, but I do think that they are flippant people who generally don't think things through all the way. Anywho, to the thrust of it! Speaking as an introvert, it's super easy to get steam rolled by my extrovert. For example, he might ask me what I want for dinner, and I tell him. We have a little tiff, but then we kiss and make up. No biggie, right?

WRONG! Minor disagreements, insults, joking around, etc. stays with me for days. I process and analyze, and then decide how I feel. Granted, I'm just one introvert, but I'm guessing I'm not the only one who, after an argument is "resolved" still has more to say on the matter, even though the extrovert has moved on, and is thinking about whatever extroverts think about. My situation is, admittedly, somewhat unique, because of my Myers-Briggs designation (Myers-Briggs is a personality test that will categorize your personality into one of 16 different types. I am an INTJ, one of the rarest, most analytical and logical types). During an argument, I tend towards the hyper-logical, divorcing all emotion from the situation. I realize this isn't the best way to handle emotionally charged situations (it's something I'm working on. I'm an imperfect person), notwithstanding, it's important for an extrovert to realize that what they say will have long lasting consequences. Take time to make sure that your introvert has said everything that they need to. I've got to jet, but be humble, don't stumble, and I'll see you again soon!

Gay Freemasons

**DISCLAIMER** The views expressed on this blog do not reflect nor speak for any Grand Lodge or any individual Lodge. The views expressed herein are mine and mine alone, and do not reflect the views or positions of any Masonic body in the known universe.

So are you familiar with Freemasons and Freemasonry? If you're not, just Google it. I'm, frankly, weary of explaining it, so I don't want to go over the usual perfunctory explanations, because those eventually become so rote that even the most seasoned Mason chokes on the words. I know it seems like a club of dusty old fuddy duddies who enjoy bad coffee more than they do good conversations, and it has, admittedly been just that for a while now. However, a new river of young, vibrant, excited young men have started to join, and I am glad for it. When I joined, the youngest member of my Lodge was about the age of Methuselah, and conversations about the good ol' days predominated the evenings. But, because of my upbringing as a home schooler, I've always preferred the company of old men to young teenagers, usually because the former is capable of giving me sage advice and regale me with stories about the usage of oil lamps and tree bark as toilet paper.

I'm going to operate off of the assumption that you already have some knowledge of this institution, because as I said, I'm a bit wear of explaining what we do. So to the meat of it. A lot of my fellow brothers are starting to wonder if the Fraternity is still relevant to the 21st. Century, and I absolutely think that it is. Where else in the world facilitates friendship among Democrats and Republicans, or Jews and Palestinians? What other institution, with roots in religious teachings, allows homos to join their ranks and attain leadership positions? The Stone Cutt... er... the Freemasons! I adore my Fraternity, but that's not to say that it's not without it's flaws.

Recently, the Grand Lodges of Georgia and Tennessee banned openly gay men from joining their ranks, alleging that we are somehow morally bankrupt people. Let me tell ya, I am so morally bankrupt. I tear the tags off of my mattress when I buy a new one, and I go five miles over the speed limit. So I'm just reckless! Anyway, I don't really concern myself with the goings on of other Grand Lodges, because piss on them. Not my circus, not my monkeys. My jurisdiction is lovely. The men are socially accepting and progressive individuals. Albeit they don't really have a thirst for the deep philosophical underpinnings of our Fraternity, but that's ok. Philosophy is definitely not for everyone.

I just wish that the older members would stop trying to quash the motivation to look for deeper knowledge. I haven't experienced this at my own lodge, but it would seem that others throughout the jurisdiction have. Which is why we do, truly need younger members. But we'll see what happens. Be humble, don't stumble, and I'll look forward to seeing you next week!